Ham of Peace here.  The following is a parody.

I translated Bobo's latest nutty fit on paper from Bobo-ese to English.  Here's what he really meant to say:

Hi, I'm Bobo.  I like to run around town with short pants and black socks whilst partaking of all of the free weiners I can get my hands on.  I hate Cara Winslow.  I say I don't, but I do.  I can't stand women in politics unless they do what Brucey tells them, like Jane and Brenda.  Women should do more productive things, like working all day just to support their husbands' failing businesses.

I hate her because she was going to bake a cake, so I wrote a 20 page column about it like it was Watergate.  "Cake-gate!"  It was stupid to do that.  Since Janey and Brenda were the only ones who knew about it (well, the only two selectmen who knew about it and still speak to me), everyone knows that they blabbed to me.  One of them ran to tell me about a cake, but apparently never told me about a DOR report.  That's ok, I'm a good lackey on a need to know basis.

It's two weeks later and I'm still bitching about this cake.  Did you know that Cara Winslow uses a blackberry?  I've been unemployed for four years so I don't understand blackberries.  I heard a rumor that employed people often use blackberries, smart phones, or other hand held PDA devices to keep track of their schedules and important information, but since I'm unemployed I don't understand that concept, so I'm just going to assume that aliens from outer space are sending her evil power elite messages on it.  Oh God, the amount of time me and my tin hat buddies spend worrying about that blackberry.  At least 16 hours a day. 

Winslow printed out the e-mails and provided them at the selectmen's meeting two weeks ago.  The first was to Janey and it never mentioned Wheeler.  The second one was to the board and the TA and it also doesn't mention Wheeler.  I threw a fit because I hate Wheeler.  I hate Wheeler because years ago, he told me a Greek Myth, and while most people realize that Greek Myths are just fictional tales, I am a dumbass and I didn't want to take my chances so I curled up into the fetal position worrying about Zeus and Hercules.  Then I took him to court and the magistrate laughed his ass off.   So the idea of him getting a piece of delicious cake threw me into a tizzy.  I have yet to grasp the idea that since I wrote a column saying that Winslow wanted to honor Wheeler and she provided e-mails proving that Wheeler was never mentioned, I owe Winslow an apology and should admit that I am a lousy reporter.  My ego is too big to let me do that.

No, I can't bring myself to apologize when caught in a lie, so I'm just going to insult Winslow.  I'm going to write typo-ridden sentences like "It’s not just her apparently inability to do basic math" and that will make the Ham of Peace laugh uncontrollably when I insult someone's intelligence with a typo ridden sentence.  I will also change the typo within 5 seconds of reading this blog, but don't forget, I don't read this blog.

Two weeks ago, Winslow stood up to me.  I don't understand the concept that if I attack someone then I shouldn't go apeshit insane when they stand up for themselves.  I have been curled up in the fetal position crying for two weeks because someone stood up to me. 

Nope, I'm not going to speak at Citizen's Participation.  As everyone knows, I am a humiliating embarrassment to anyone I support, and I drag them and their political careers down with the weight of a ten ton anchor.  The only chance Janey has of getting re-elected is if I pack up my paper and go away today, but my ego won't let me do that.  The least I can do for Janey is not embarrass her in public.   Also, if I spoke, then I'd open the door for Cruz, Winslow, and Holmes to challenge me on every lie I've ever written in public before the cameras, and we can't have that now can we?

So now if you'll excuse me, I must retire to my bathroom office, where I will sit on the can with my black sox and think up some lies for next week's edition.  I love to eat free weiners.