I had a dream last night, a wonderful, wonderful dream. In this dream my attorney told me to go ahead and respond to the lies and distortions written on a certain hate web site here in Wareham.
The dream went something like this …
IHATESLAGER: I hate the Ragman. I hate Bruce. I hate anyone who doesn’t agree with me. Bobby loves Brucie. Bobby and Brucie sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I once saw a photo of Bobby in a leather jacket. He’s a leather-jacket wearing Ragman. That must mean he’s gay. That’s why he loves Brucie. Ha, ha, ha. Bobby and Brucie. Ha, ha, ha.
OBSERVER: Is it possible that two adults could come to the same logical conclusion on issues and not be gay lovers? Why are you so obsessed with homosexuality anyway? Is there a latent thing going on here?
IHATESLAGER: You, you’re a, a, a … Ragman. You have a leather jacket. You love Brucie. You’re his puppet. I’m not gay. You are. That’s why your wife is divorcing you. You’re gay.
OBSERVER: Huh?
IHATESLAGER: Yeah, I mean, your wife is divorcing you because you’re a ragman. Even though your wife hasn’t, you know, filed for divorce, I know she is divorcing you because, because … you’re a leather-jacket-wearing ragman.
IHATELIZ: Yeah, Slagger is a totol reterd. His been fried from evry job he’s ever had because his a reterd. And Liz, she ates catfood for diner.
OBSERVER: IHATESLAGER, I’ve been married nearly 14 years. I have two children. You still live with your family and spend hours on end writing anonymous blogs calling people gay. Either you’re 12 years old or you have some serious social issues. IHATELIZ, why do you hate Liz so much? What did she ever do to you? And where did you learn to write?
IHATELIZ: She write sumthing mean abut somebody, like abut how that persan was a niice persan until she got married.
IHATESLAGER: You tell him, dad … I mean IHATELIZ. Oh, and Ragman has a balding afro. I’ve never actually seen an afro because I don’t know any colored people personally, but I’m sure Ragman has an afro. That’s an insult. Ha, ha, ha. Cara Ann for selectman! Wait, am I Hammatron or IHATESLAGER today? It's hard to remember because I keep having conversations with myself under multiple screen names to make it seem like more people think like me.
OBSERVER: You know, instead of blogging lies on a hate web site for personal and political reasons, why don’t you do something constructive with all your free time? Why don’t you volunteer at the library? IHATESLAGER: You hate the library. You hate all libraries. You hate books, words and the Dewey Decimal System because you a Bruce-loving, leather-jacket wearing ragman. And Ragman, I will stop you from telling people things I don’t want them to know. I will keep writing anonymous blogs under multiple names and sending out anonymous boycott letters against the Observer to your advertisers, even if I’m only ticking them off with my cowardice.
TBL: Police are good. I am a police officer, so that means I must be good, too. Anyone who doesn’t think all police are good is a criminal. I know. I’m a police officer. Police officers know all the criminals. We are also the judge and jury. If somebody is arrested, they are guilty, because police don’t arrest innocent people. IHATESLAGER: Yeah, and Brenda is from Brockton. That must mean she’s stupid. Bruce and Brenda are criminals. Bruce once dropped a piano from four floors up on a baby in a stroller. The Observer covered it up.
OBSERVER: We must have missed that story. Why wasn’t it in any other paper?
MIXIE: Here’s 10 reasons why I hate the Observer:
Ragman uses the force to make me read it cover to cover each week.
We’ve tried to do everything we can think of but we can’t put Ragman out of business.
I used to feel important before people voted my fellow cronies out of office.
I’m secretly in love with Bruce and I’m trying to throw everybody off.
I feel sorry for Matt (everybody does).
I don’t want anyone to know about that laundered money.
I liked it better when the Courier controlled the flow of information.
Everyone picked on me when I was young, so this is my way of getting back at them.
I’m bored with my life, so I need something to do.
Because the power elite makes me and I’m not strong enough to stand up to them.
TBL: Police are good.
IHATESLAGER: Why won’t you just go away, Ragman? We’ve smeared you, your wife and your children. We’ve made up horrible things about you and your family, and we still can’t make you leave. Why aren’t you intimidated by us? We used to be able to scare people away by trying to destroy their reputations. How come it’s not working? Why? Why? Why?
OBSERVER: Because I know that people who hate are really just very insecure. It’s because Wareham deserves better than you. You claim to love this town, but you have no qualms about hurting people who don’t think the way you do. You have absolutely no morals. Wareham’s future should be shaped by people who do.
IHATESLAGER: Yeah, and you made your parents split up when you were five years old. It's all your fault. You did it. Yeah, Ragman, I have copies of every story you have ever written. You're all I have because I lack the social skills to get a real job or be in a real relationship. So I live with my dad and write hate blogs with him all day and night. It's all your fault. Everything is your fault. And Bruce's, too.
OBSERVER: Don't you think that's a little bit sad and creepy? I mean, you can quote pieces of stories I wrote two years ago in both the Wareham and Tri-Town papers. Don't you see how weird that is? Why are you so obsessed? Don't you think you would be a happier person if you had a life of your own?
IHATESLAGER: I'm trying to honor someone's memory by trying to hurt all the people she hated. Wait, that a little weird too, isn't it? I'm trying to prove somebody was good by doing bad things to people. You're a ragman.
IHATELIZ: Slagger is a lire. A big, fat lire. His a reterd.
IHATESLAGER: Go away, Ragman. We want to be in charge again. You’re a Ragman. You have a leather jacket. You love Brucie. He was mean to somebody’s mother, and you love him, so that means I have to hate you, too. That way I can blame all my own problems on somebody else. Then I never have to grow up. You’re a … a … a … ragman. Ha, ha, ha. A ragman. Ha, ha, ha. You love Bruce.
